Q: My boyfriend and I broke up a few months ago. He refuses to talk to me. I really thought he was the one for me—we got serious and shared so much. When we broke up I was devastated. He started spreading lies about me but refused to talk to me. I t was then I decided to “talk” to him on the internet. I created another name for myself and we chat to each other every day, except of course he does not know it is me. He has told me all about the break-up and how much he hates his previous girlfriend (me). I thought it would help me talk to him but it has just made things worse. I’m 18 and can’t believe I have gotten myself into this mess.
A: I am sorry to hear about your troubles. It is a hard thing to experience the breaking up of a relationship at any age but at 18, due to one’s emotional vulnerability, it is even harder.
I can understand your need to talk to your ex-boyfriend—there is a drive within each of us to know the reasons why things happen. When people we love refuse to talk, it can be devastating. However, to deceive someone is a bad thing, no matter what our reasons.
I suggest you end the “chatting” online. Not only are you being dishonest but you stand to be hurt further. You have the choice, due to the nature of an internet relationship, of just dropping out of the conversation (which is what I would suggest). Or you could come clean and tell your ex-boyfriend what you have done. But I do not think any good can come of telling your “ex” about your deception—I would imagine he would be very angry (and rightly so) and may say or do things that could harm you. You do need to stop communicating under false pretences.
See this experience as an opportunity to learn about yourself and relationships in general. Why is it that your ex-boyfriend “hates” you? Are there things you would do differently next time? Is there unfinished business you can address in an email (under your own name)? You may not be able to talk face-to-face but if there are things you need to say, do it. This could be part of the healing process for you.
There will be other relationships in your life. Let this one go and instead of focusing your energies on something that does not exist in reality—a relationship with your ex-boyfriend—focus on real life. Who knows, there may be a very nice bloke just around the corner.